In less than 8 hours time, my mom will be flying off to Hainan Island..
In less than a week, my dear friend will be getting married to 'The One'
All if not most of my friends have stepped out in the working world, settled down with the right guy and/or planning to move on to the next phase of life.
For quite a significant period of time, I did not truly believe in relationships and love
Committment was like an obligation rather than anything else.
Over the Christmas last year, I officially got attached to my current boyfriend whom i met just over a month.
To him, it was like a 'click' factor.
To me, i probably still can't decipher properly.
To try to set things off right, i decided we should both be truthful to each other in all aspects, something which he agreed upon almost immediately
Since then, we had our squabbles and all
Times when he can really show his cold and harsh nature
Yet things was still alright.
Just slightly a week ago, i discovered my boyfriend was not that truthful
He dated another girl but had hid the fact
He had sent sms to seek for forgiveness to another girl
He had once just walked out of another person's life harshly
I was hurt
He explained. And we are still together.
Yet, still the pain is there, somewhere.
Did this relationship make a turn for the worst? I do not know.
Do i still like him? Yes
Is he still trustable? I do not know.
I've seen how so many guys can lie to their partners like it's not a big deal.
I've also told this to my boyfriend hoping it would not happen to me.
Yet, now i do not know.
Sometimes i realise it is me who is asking for too much
So much so that i can never be satisfied at the end of the day
In this week that my mom is away
I will be experiencing a true blue couple life with my boyfriend
Maybe then, i can make a proper & definite decision
Can we love a person forever?
A question left unanswered.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The power of love exist due to the emotional bonding of two individuals.
The rate of decrease in affection is never comparable or replacable by the continued efforts by a single party
The fear of lost causes one to sink into depression and disappointment, of the once gloomy surroundings with not much of a hope worth looking forward to
The fear of freedom causes one to carry off care via obligation, to ignore what he not desire to see or hear, to deprive the effort of others
In most relationships, it is fear that topples the balance of love. That one party tries to put in too much, unbalanced and unappreciated by the other. To be misunderstood. Especially at times when one realises that he or she is starting to lose the other party and at the same time losing sight of what the future once reckons to behold, the disappointment is such that the other party will never experience or embrace.
The greatest pain is when one succumbs under the great depression, being on the verge of giving up this certain bondage, that the other party actually gladly appreciates it.
I sit here, after a long period of not inputting information here, again tonight thinking about the foolishness of minds. Some says women are 70% made up of water, maybe its 90% for me. Yes, fragility is the word.
I dare not say i know how to love.
I dare not even love anymore.
I really just hope that my special someone will be there to love me and not someone who can just sleep it off in peace as i struggle with my own emotions.
I know how to just let go in the past.
But this time, i just don't know how to.
The rate of decrease in affection is never comparable or replacable by the continued efforts by a single party
The fear of lost causes one to sink into depression and disappointment, of the once gloomy surroundings with not much of a hope worth looking forward to
The fear of freedom causes one to carry off care via obligation, to ignore what he not desire to see or hear, to deprive the effort of others
In most relationships, it is fear that topples the balance of love. That one party tries to put in too much, unbalanced and unappreciated by the other. To be misunderstood. Especially at times when one realises that he or she is starting to lose the other party and at the same time losing sight of what the future once reckons to behold, the disappointment is such that the other party will never experience or embrace.
The greatest pain is when one succumbs under the great depression, being on the verge of giving up this certain bondage, that the other party actually gladly appreciates it.
I sit here, after a long period of not inputting information here, again tonight thinking about the foolishness of minds. Some says women are 70% made up of water, maybe its 90% for me. Yes, fragility is the word.
I dare not say i know how to love.
I dare not even love anymore.
I really just hope that my special someone will be there to love me and not someone who can just sleep it off in peace as i struggle with my own emotions.
I know how to just let go in the past.
But this time, i just don't know how to.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
And I Thought Jan is a Good month
After a mere 28 days of peace and brightness,
I experienced the darkest day of 2009
I submitted the first case of the year since the new year
yet in the worst mood i can ever have
If its not enuff
I sent out a sms to a number which i tot is my secondary friend
only to receive an intimidating call from a woman who proclaimed to be the wife of the person i sms-ed
rudely asking who the fuck am i..
And being in almost the exact lousy mood
it gave me the best chance to reply as rude as i can which i normally will never
Maybe it is better to put the focus on something non-living
like the career
as Career never forsakes u
As long as effort is put in, results are reaped.
Unlike humans
Life is a pretence
As long as we can conceal our true self well enough
We can let people know what we never is
Yet not fake enuff,
a small trigger can unleash the evil monster within us
I activated the trigger
I found out the result
And I am disappointed with it
Totally
I'm like back to half of what i am used to be
Losing hope in life
And losing my appetite
No sleep
No food
No water
for at least the last 12 hours
except for 2 pathetic 雞蛋卷
And now
I have to pretend to eat in the kitchen
P.S. How long does it take for a person to faint from hunger?
I experienced the darkest day of 2009
I submitted the first case of the year since the new year
yet in the worst mood i can ever have
If its not enuff
I sent out a sms to a number which i tot is my secondary friend
only to receive an intimidating call from a woman who proclaimed to be the wife of the person i sms-ed
rudely asking who the fuck am i..
And being in almost the exact lousy mood
it gave me the best chance to reply as rude as i can which i normally will never
Maybe it is better to put the focus on something non-living
like the career
as Career never forsakes u
As long as effort is put in, results are reaped.
Unlike humans
Life is a pretence
As long as we can conceal our true self well enough
We can let people know what we never is
Yet not fake enuff,
a small trigger can unleash the evil monster within us
I activated the trigger
I found out the result
And I am disappointed with it
Totally
I'm like back to half of what i am used to be
Losing hope in life
And losing my appetite
No sleep
No food
No water
for at least the last 12 hours
except for 2 pathetic 雞蛋卷
And now
I have to pretend to eat in the kitchen
P.S. How long does it take for a person to faint from hunger?
Monday, January 12, 2009
The 12th day of 2009
On the 1st of January 2008
I sat down, together with Lingoo & Shan @ Heeren's Billy Bombers
The 2008 Resolutions were thus set.
One year down
Towards the end of the year 2008
I recalled and reviewed my resolutions
and realised how many were just goals not met
except for the fact that yes i did found someone to settle down in a way
school wise
delayed by half a year thereby twarting my emotional and career threshold
work wise
influenced by the disruptive school life
nothing great accomplished
As much as i wanted to start this year right by listing down my 2009 resolutions
i do not want to look back at this December to be disappointed yet again
Today is the 12th day of the new year
In less than 2 weeks, we welcome the Year of the Ox
Being an Ox myself, this signifies the 2nd zodiac cycle of my life
Bringing me to a ripe age of 24 pretty soon
And therefore,
Resolutions of 2009
1) 15k Income by June, $30k Income by Dec
With a proposed incentive cum grad trip to Taiwan, 15k income challenge set aside. As a full timer in her 1st year in this business, this is a conservative yet realistic gauge in order to act as a KPI for the 1st year.
2) Setting up my OCBC-Fairprice Plus Savings Account
With research done and all, knowing that this account provides us with a 1% p.a. interest which is pretty decent in the market with zero minimum balance, I have decided to stop procrastinating and officially gotten the registration form for me as well as Eric, to start the good and disciplined habit of saving for future.
3) Doing a personal financial planning
In my line of work, i handle and have to plan for my client's financial and short/mid/long term goals. Ironic as it is, I have reviewed my own planning previously taken up by my mom and realised the extreme inadequateness of it. Therefore, as soon as i am able to, i would do up my personal portfolio.
4) Healthy lifestyle, Stronger body
As we grow older and our body starts to give us problems from time to time, i realised not only the strong need to schedule myself for a full body checkup(after i fulfill my previous objective), but also the need to upkeep my physical health and nutritional diets. In line with these, i have since started to eat vegetables to get my greens and also to start my swimming/jogging routine.
5)Time for family, friends & loved ones
I would try to meet my groups of friends on a fortnight or monthly basis, to update each other about our respective lives and also to keep the bond going on strong if all possible. To have dinner more frequently at home when i do not have dinner appointments so as to spend more time with my mum. To spend quality time with Eric and appreciate the presence of each other.
I sat down, together with Lingoo & Shan @ Heeren's Billy Bombers
The 2008 Resolutions were thus set.
One year down
Towards the end of the year 2008
I recalled and reviewed my resolutions
and realised how many were just goals not met
except for the fact that yes i did found someone to settle down in a way
school wise
delayed by half a year thereby twarting my emotional and career threshold
work wise
influenced by the disruptive school life
nothing great accomplished
As much as i wanted to start this year right by listing down my 2009 resolutions
i do not want to look back at this December to be disappointed yet again
Today is the 12th day of the new year
In less than 2 weeks, we welcome the Year of the Ox
Being an Ox myself, this signifies the 2nd zodiac cycle of my life
Bringing me to a ripe age of 24 pretty soon
And therefore,
Resolutions of 2009
1) 15k Income by June, $30k Income by Dec
With a proposed incentive cum grad trip to Taiwan, 15k income challenge set aside. As a full timer in her 1st year in this business, this is a conservative yet realistic gauge in order to act as a KPI for the 1st year.
2) Setting up my OCBC-Fairprice Plus Savings Account
With research done and all, knowing that this account provides us with a 1% p.a. interest which is pretty decent in the market with zero minimum balance, I have decided to stop procrastinating and officially gotten the registration form for me as well as Eric, to start the good and disciplined habit of saving for future.
3) Doing a personal financial planning
In my line of work, i handle and have to plan for my client's financial and short/mid/long term goals. Ironic as it is, I have reviewed my own planning previously taken up by my mom and realised the extreme inadequateness of it. Therefore, as soon as i am able to, i would do up my personal portfolio.
4) Healthy lifestyle, Stronger body
As we grow older and our body starts to give us problems from time to time, i realised not only the strong need to schedule myself for a full body checkup(after i fulfill my previous objective), but also the need to upkeep my physical health and nutritional diets. In line with these, i have since started to eat vegetables to get my greens and also to start my swimming/jogging routine.
5)Time for family, friends & loved ones
I would try to meet my groups of friends on a fortnight or monthly basis, to update each other about our respective lives and also to keep the bond going on strong if all possible. To have dinner more frequently at home when i do not have dinner appointments so as to spend more time with my mum. To spend quality time with Eric and appreciate the presence of each other.
Monday, December 29, 2008
At Last..
On the 29th of December 2008, 7.26am
I can now proudly say I am a graduate
no longer an undergrad
Yes
I have passed my last 3 modules in my schooling life
The stress that accompanied me as i click on the link to my destiny
indescrible
Just last night
I was still harbouring a fear that i would need to repeat something again
No longrr is it about personal shame or dignity
But not knowing how to face my mom should i repeat history yet again
Since then
I have only relieve in my heart now
Rooney doesnt need to help me take form register modules le
I can safely & proudly tell my mom that I no longer am a student
I can officially without excuse step into the world of a working adult
Striving to create that better future i want
The journey in NTU have taken most people 4 years
but 4.5 year for me
Does it matter?
10 years down the road when we look back, who will be bothered?
But in current times
it just meant i wasted half a year more than my peers
I have since then officially joined in the ranks
Stripping off that student image
I hope maturity comes with that as well
To work hard
To earn the first pot of gold
To be serious in relationships
&
To strive to become nearer and nearer to my life goals
I can now proudly say I am a graduate
no longer an undergrad
Yes
I have passed my last 3 modules in my schooling life
The stress that accompanied me as i click on the link to my destiny
indescrible
Just last night
I was still harbouring a fear that i would need to repeat something again
No longrr is it about personal shame or dignity
But not knowing how to face my mom should i repeat history yet again
Since then
I have only relieve in my heart now
Rooney doesnt need to help me take form register modules le
I can safely & proudly tell my mom that I no longer am a student
I can officially without excuse step into the world of a working adult
Striving to create that better future i want
The journey in NTU have taken most people 4 years
but 4.5 year for me
Does it matter?
10 years down the road when we look back, who will be bothered?
But in current times
it just meant i wasted half a year more than my peers
I have since then officially joined in the ranks
Stripping off that student image
I hope maturity comes with that as well
To work hard
To earn the first pot of gold
To be serious in relationships
&
To strive to become nearer and nearer to my life goals
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